LiL PinK FrogS’s Neighborhood

Disciplined

gotkube
2 days ago
2 comments

In September, I began purposely distancing myself from various faucets of life. In particular, my online presence, Flickr, Vox, Facebook & Twitter, became virtually non existent for almost 2 solid months, some longer. Even recently my activity has been guarded.

I purposely took myself offline, and removed myself from real-life social situations in order to refocus on myself. After the events of 2008: being laid off, our miscarriage, moving out of our inner-city apartment, which became symbolic of our inner-city era, which were easily the best years of our lives, I found myself floundering through life. Putting on a brave face to the world, full of ambition, but feeling dead inside. Feeling guilty, feeling like I had failed, feeling hopeless.

Admittedly, I had a lot of hate in my head. It wasn't the result of those events in '08, or even the subsequent struggles of '09, it had been building for years prior. The drama and the politics, and perhaps the injustices of life built up gradually over time, and came to a head. My anger was directed at various people and various situations, and in many cases it was justified, but it blinded me from the joy and positivity of life. I moved forward with a sense of false direction or purpose. I was motivated to act more by revenge, as if to attack with a "I'll show you" mentality, sizing myself up to others every step of the way. It took me nowhere, and by September I had hit my breaking point.

It's really only been in recent weeks that I feel I've had that "eureka!" moment that has changed my perspective, or at least begun to. Every day is a challenge, and some are better than others, but at the root of it, a single word has become the foundation from which to build from: Discipline.

Inspired by Theo Fleury's recent comeback attempt to the NHL, and all the "positive chaos" that has surrounded him in recent months, I realized that I was heading down a road towards self destruction, again. I had no structure even in my day-to-day routine. I realized I needed to focus solely on myself, and get back to basics, and that required discipline. I began by focusing on my health.

Whereas most people "hit the gym", I chose to "hit the rink", and began ice skating twice a week, by myself, having not skated in almost two years, and even back then, only skated for a few weeks, casually with Ange. In a way, I hadn't really skated in over 10 years. I started from scratch, I paid my dues, got hurt, got injured, and have fallen flat on my ass a few times. But in a way, it was symbolic of the woes of life. I think that people sometimes think that if we fall, some mysterious person will come by to pick us up, and essentially do it for us. There's no one coming to save you. It's all up to you. When I fell on the ice one of my first times, I remember sitting there, cold, covered in snow, wondering what to do: get up and leave/give up, or get up and try again. Either way, I had to get up by myself. What I chose to do afterwards would subsequently dictate the direction of my attitude. I chose to get up and try again. I've been going to the rink twice a week ever since, and today I skate better than I ever have before, and improving every time I go because I purposely challenge myself to try something I hadn't tried before. Discipline got me there.

I had issues brewing inside that I had merely tried to sweep under the carpet and forget, but that doesn't mean they went away. I realized I needed to bring those issues to the forefront and confront them, because otherwise, they simply linger by the wayside, waiting for an opportunity to attack and consume your mind.
Again, Theo Fleury helped inspire this realization after a post he made on his blog in which he lists the 12 steps from AA's "The Big Book". One step in particular that struck a chord with me was: "Made a fearless and thorough moral inventory of ourselves." To be brutally honest with yourself about the state of your life, and identify those demons responsible for bringing you to the place you find yourself now. To hold yourself accountable.
I have had a lot of hate in my head, but much of it was never confronted, or again, blinded me from acting with the proper intentions.
I've only just begun confronting those demons, where possible, but already I've seen a shift in my perspective. I've tried to turn the other cheek and, if unable to confront things, at least come to have peace with it, to put it behind me, but not out of hate, but out of growth. I've actively chosen to remove people and situations from my life whose energy is toxic to my own, who radiate negativity and engage in drama, politics or gossip. It does nothing positive for me, and I choose not to expose myself to it.

For me, a new chapter has clearly begun, and though every day is a challenge, I at least wake up every day looking forward to them, as opposed to trying to skirt by them just to get through the day. There has been a lot of changes that seem to have come as a result of this new-found discipline and attitude, and plenty more to come, I'm sure of it.

An Example of the Lack of Openness from Microsoft

gotkube
Jul 9, 2009
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If you know we well, you know that I stand firm on a few beliefs. One is my absolute distaste of Microsoft Windows. I was extremely proud to have been completely "Windows-sober" for several years- using nothing but Linux for everything computer-related both at home and work. But the rest of the world doesn't work that way, despite how much I beg and plead with the computer gods. Lately a lot of the support & development work I have been doing lately involves supporting Windows- whether I like it or not.

I find, however, that those who don't use an OS other than Windows don't see the reasoning behind my feelings towards it. For them, it "does what I need it to do" and nothing more. And to be fair- there's no point in running something as complex as Linux if all you're using it for is checking email, browsing the web, and maybe a little multimedia & gaming. (At the same time, I can't justify paying money for an OS just to do those things).

But as a "developer" (that's the title I'm claiming to be these days- I won't go into that here though), especially having come from using open source tools extensively, developing a solution in Windows is almost like being forced to type with one arm handcuffed to your chair.

Recently I've been assembling tools and writing scripts that will allow me to provide network services over a VPN service my company has begun to roll out. The idea is to be able to push service schedules and initiate services remotely from the server to clients on the VPN without having to remotely go onto the client system itself in order to initiate the service. A problem we've run into is computers that go into "Standby Mode" and sever their network (and, hence, the VPN) connection. We need a way to be able to tell the Windows machine to automatically wake-up so that the network services (such as a scheduled remote backup) can run.
Windows features a 'Task Scheduler' that allows you to not only run a program or script at a specified time, but can also wake the computer from 'Standby' in order to do it! Sounded like the silver bullet to my problem.

But as it always seems to be with Windows, a solution to one problem only brings forth a handful of others.

Firstly, the tool used from the command-line in order to manage scheduled tasks in Windows (schtasks.exe), will NOT allow you to perform two key requests:

Create/Change a Task job to wake the computer from Standby mode.
Change the start time/date of an existing Task job on the system.

These sound like pretty important items if you ask me. They can easily be manipulated from the desktop using the GUI tool- but that defeats the very essence of what I'm trying to accomplish by creating or changing Scheduled Tasks from a script 'behind the scenes' without having to remotely go onto the client computer itself to make that change.
Admitted, #2, above only applies to XP Pro systems. But consider this: how many people continue to use XP over Vista even to this day?
According to stats compiled by Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Usage_share_of_desktop_operating_systems), as of the end of May 2009, Windows XP is still used by approximately 65% of computers today. So the solution I need HAS to support Windows XP- and not having access to a function like changing the date/time of a scheduled task from a script basically stops further development in it's tracks.

Secondly, in classic Microsoft fashion where one-size-does-NOT-fit-all, Windows XP Home doesn't even include Scheduled Tasks! Sure, one could copy it from an XP Pro setup, but in doing so violates Microsoft's (precious) EUA Licence. One certainly can't build business services around a necessity to void the client's EUA. So in that sense, my solution scope just became a little more narrow as a result of Microsoft's asinine decision to not include such a simple tool with XP Home.

In a sick, twisted way, the silver lining here is Vista! Yes, I'm going to say something (somewhat) positive about Vista!
The Scheduled Tasks tool DOES exist in the Home Premium version of Vista (which in my experience, is basically what most Vista users run anyways), and it's command-line tool (schtasks.exe) DOES allow you to change the start date/time of an existing scheduled task (though I haven't tried actually doing it yet).
However, according to the same Wikipedia stats from the link above, Windows Vista accounts for approximately a mere 22% of OS's used today. How much sense does it make to develop a product or solution that less than 1/4th of all computers will be able to actually take advantage of? Not much IMO.

Developing for Internet Explorer is even more of a pain, but I'll save that for another post. But this is a classic example of how a lack of openness from Microsoft with Windows inhibits innovation & creative problem solving.

Granted, I'm sure most 'casual' Windows users will read all this and still not see the problems and limitations as it relates directly to them. But consider this: now, you want to be connected to my VPN for a remote service, but I tell you that in order to things to work properly, your computer can basically never go into Standby mode (so your system remains fully powered, at all times- think of the effect on your electricity consumption & wear on your computer hardware) because by doing so, your system loses it's connection to the VPN, and because you run Windows XP, I can't schedule your system to automatically wake itself up in order to perform a service because Microsoft won't let me develop a solution freely to do so.
From what I've read, I could use Visual Studio to build my own software that would allow me to build Scheduled Tasks for me to push to the client, but that comes at a cost, and are you prepared to pay, say, $100+ per computer for me to be able to push it a Scheduled Task or install the software itself on your system just to wake it up? I know I wouldn't.

So in the end, everyone loses- you as a client can't (properly) take advantage of the network services I'm offering, and I can't grow my clientele, either because the service is now not convenient or comes at too high of a cost. In that sense, yes, larger companies with the money or financial backing to develop their own solutions are likely to be more successful, but it forces the "little guy", like me, out of the market, unable to compete. And in this day in age, isn't limiting innovation & competition the last thing the economy needs?

Summer Injury

gotkube
Jun 30, 2009
4 comments

Hurts like hell.

Sunday morning I woke up with an intolerable pain in my back. I've been seeing my Chiropractor the week before to deal with it as it's been bothering me for almost a month. On this day, however, instead of progressively getting better, it revolted on me causing me what is hands-down the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life, radiating from behind my right shoulderblade, shooting down my right arm. By mid-afternoon, the only position I could get into that felt even remotely comfortable was laying flat on my back with an ice pack on the floor with my arm extended.
After a few hours of that, I sat up and the pain shot down my right arm. I felt like I was stabbed. I tried Ibuprofen & a muscle relaxant- neither worked.
I got on the phone to call the HealthLink service and discussed my symptoms with a nurse. She told me I should "get checked out within the next 4 hours". This was Sunday afternoon at 4:30- few walk-in clinics were still open if they were open at all! She did mention that if I begin to feel numbness in my right arm at all, that I should definitely seek medical attention.
We hopped in the car and head towards the only open clinic near us. Halfway there, my Index Finger on my right hands went almost completely numb. The top of my right thumb and the tip of my right middle finger soon followed.
We changed route to hte Urgent Care centre in South Calgary. Over 4 hours later, I was examined by a doctor and told I have a case of Bursitis in under my shoulder blade. They said the inflammation likely was pinching a nerve causing my fingers and part of my hand to go numb.
Treatment was to take 600mg of Ibuprofen every 4hrs for the next week, dropping to 400mg the following week, and basically not use the arm at all for at least a week, and they provided me with this arm brace to rest my arm in so not to use it.

I didn't sleep at all that night. The pain was intolerable, but it was the numb sensation in my hand that kept me freaked out enough to keep me from falling asleep at all. I'm a bit of a paranoid hypochondriac, so I had visions of falling asleep with a numb hand and waking with a numb- and dead arm. I tried everything to get comfortable, but it didn't happen.
The following day I saw my Chiropractor and confirmed the pinched nerve. The inflammation is still there, but my Chiro doesn't seem to think the nerve is necessarily the RESULT of the Bursitis. We began treatment accordingly, but neither the numbness nor the pain has begun to subside as of yet.
I've seen my Chiro Monday, Tuesday, and will see him again on Thursday. He expects the pain to at least begin to subside by later this week, but the numbness may take "a few weeks, to a few years- or it might be permanent". He's kinda seen it all so there's no real way to give a prognosis for that.
Regardless, I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemies. I guess if there was ever a sign that I'm no longer 15 and can punish my body with 12+ hour-long computer sessions anymore... I guess this is it. Getting old officially sucks.